Happy Birthday A Few Days Late

How can I express my gratitude to the one who first blessed me with motherhood? You were the first that I cradled in my arms and I first felt your tiny warm breath on the curve of my neck. The first to utter Mama and the first to run into my outstretched arms.

How can I express my gratitude for your patience as I learned to parent on you. I zipped your stomach in your pajamas, snapped your neck into your bib, let you roll off beds and dive head-first out of high chairs. I expected more and disciplined you much harder because you were the first.

How can express gratitude for teaching me so many of life's lessons? You taught me about unconditional love as you accepted me so completely with your childlike innocence and forgiveness each time you forgave my much-less-than-perfect parenting. You were first in leaving the nest, so you taught me how to let go without having to say good-bye.

I know not whether you chose to be first or whether it was assigned, but this much I know; you have done a wonderful job. You have blessed and changed my life. All that you are to me cannot begin to be captured in words. I love you Breeana. Happy Birthday.

Here's A Couple

The Loveseat

She sits in the loveseat rocking chair;
her body still—no rocking, not one bit.
The chair is fifty years olds now
covered in fabric that she selected.
Recovered four times
deep grooves smoothed from the back
the wooden wings taken from each arm.
Can she remember rocking me as an infant
while reading to my energetic brother?
Does she recall the times I lay in her lap
wrapped in her love and my blanket?
Can she feel the years of her sweetheart beside her?
She gazes straight ahead and comments on the gray day
while outside the blinding sun bakes and the air singes.
Her vision is fading almost as fast as her memories.
Her covering has changed and her back is softer too.
The wings of her memory have been removed;
she soars no more.
My feet press against the floor
gently moving the chair
back and forth
back and forth.
I will rock for both of us.
I will remember for both of us.

GATHERING

I gathered rocks all along the way.
Fossiled in the mud beneath limbs on the Jordan
and teetering atop a silent cistern in Shepherd’s field.
Mine was a piece of Peter,
rock of Caesarea Philippi.

I gathered rocks all along the way—
As my toes were baptized in the water he walked on;
repeated washings of the Galilee smoothing every edge.
From the suffocating desert of the traitor;
a place beyond death and lower than life.

I gathered rocks all along the way—
From the quiet garden flowing with whispering trees
and weeping stones.
Near the pinks and yellows, in the shade of the skull
but in clear sight of Hope, I harvested a pebble of His-story.

I gathered rocks all along the way.
I picked up each rock as if,
as if it might lighten the satchel
He carries for me.

Crazy Busy

So, its been over four months since I have writtin. I am reasonably sure that not one soul will even know that I am writing now since all six of my readers have probably give up looking.

No excuses. Life just got too busy for me. It started snowballing when I got back to school in January. I love the creative writing class but it takes about six to eight hours a week if I do it right. So, when I started to get crazy I had to take a step back and see what I could let go of for a while. The first thing that went was blogging. Unfortunately, I think the next thing that went was family (exactly what shouldn't) both immediate and extended and friends goes without saying. When I felt that everything was so imbalanced I had to let one of my three church callings go. Wow, was that ever hard. I have worked in YW for the past three and a half years. I will miss them tremendously but I can't give up my calling as the Stake President's wife--not an option.

I thought about posting some of the things I have written for class. Yep, thought about it for, oh, about sixty seconds. For now anyway, I will spare you that. I have had the opportunity to see more extended family since the first of the year than I have in a very long time. I have seen my mother twice which is such a blessing to me. I have missed her. She is at a point where she does not miss me because mentally she just lives right in the moment of the present now. But I miss her laughter, her intelligence, her talents, and oddly enough, her moodiness though it is so nice to still have her physical body to hug and kiss and caress. I have seen nieces, nephews, and brothers and sisters. The older I become, the more family means to me, I need to work harder to have my action support my feelings I suppose.

Anyway, thanks Alaina for making my blog so cute, thanks Breeana for your honesty, thanks Kara for living with and still loving a nutcase and thanks Jenna for bailing me out more than once when I needed to be two places at once. I am trying to be what you all need as well and though I am sadly lacking, I keep trying. I love you all so much. You are four of the most important things I have ever done in my life.